Il Testa di Cazzo: Name Censored

[No picture put in this post because I'm afraid my laptop will be broken if I ever had his picture around]

Because dickhead is mainstream.

I happened to cross path this this so-called “backpacker” during his time in Yogyakarta. He told me that he is from Algeria, and because I had a less than lovely experience with Arabians (doesnt mean I’m racist but I know this will sound like a racist post anyway) I am planned to reject him. But as always, whoever wants to stay at our Felix Domus has to go to Imeh, no matter how are we going to accept them or reject them.

“I’ve been with an Algerian before during a trip and that person was a decent man, quite religious also” she said, after reading his plea to chose our place as his homestay for two days. With that, I said yes. What would follow after that was a disastrous two days I will never forget and will never make me changed my mind about Arabian guys.

He came to my office and at first he didn’t look or sound like an asshole. But his body odor told me otherwise.

“Miss, I swear to God, the smell of his sweat would kill us all” said Erisa in a mono-tone. I, being the dog nose in everything, couldn’t help but admit, this guy is one hell of a sweat.

We wrapped up our working day and went back home. At night, we felt so hungry, so we decided to go to our favorite dining place. It was fun and had no accident, and we left fully loaded with food in our tummy.

*Imeh starts writing the part below, mostly because I had no intention to finish this writing of that guy*

Then we took him to the south square of our beloved city for the colorful becak. He took the steer and drove like a drunken mad person. Lita’s foot was injured by the fast pedaling. I didn’t understand why Erisa was cheering him up while I and Lita loudly shouted at him to be more careful since we almost hit motorbikes parked on the side of the road and other becaks. Everyone gave us creepy stares like they’re gonna slaughter us immediately and scolded us as well.

Fuck.

We told Risa to take control the drive, but it got even worse. Lita almost turned into hulk. Five meters ahead, I moved on the front seat to take it to finish it asap.

The next day, Risa was given a day off to take Zakar going around the city. Her face looked so happy but her lips said the other way around. Uhm….

I thought the day went well as there was no grumble coming from the lady. We went to the pub with Cecil, our new friend (you’ll know her part later), and them as they arrived home. It was the last night for him. So, we offered him a hand to plan things afterwards, like the transport stuffs.

This was where he screwed everything up. He looked hard to believe to what we said that all the transport services is closed during the night and wanted to prove everything by himself. Our pride as local was hurt. We argued for quite some times. Lita was fed up of him. She left the table and went to another one.

I was annoyed as well but I tried keeping my whole nerves to chill and not to give him a punch. I “talked” to him. He went to Lita’s table and I didn’t know what he said to her that finally she went back to our table with no expression on her face. She left us alone to home.

Tired of everything, I ask him walking home couple of hours later. But when I tried to unlock the door, shit happens. The keys didn’t work. I was locked outside with him. I tried knocking on the door hoping that she will hear. But she didn’t. It was soooo late, that I didn’t want everyone awake by our voices. I tried to call her on phone, but her phone was off. Then I rang Risa. She was awake, but she didn’t have any idea where we could sleep in that night. I could sleep in her house, but I didn’t have a heart to let him sleep on the terrace. Dude, he was our guest.

So I tried to look for a cheap hostel room nearby and already got one. On our check-in process, Risa rode her motorbike to the hotel offering us to sleep in her place. But, our society unwritten rules does not let him staying in her house without the permission of her parents. So we decided to sleep in the hostel.

Good, the room was with twin bed. The staff asked me whether I wanted to join the bed or not and I said no. But this Algerian wanted the opposite. I still said no. When I tried to close my eyes, he said he was turned on and he begged to sleep with me. I said hell no.

Fuck you dude. “Fuck you too, all night long” this asshole replied.

I kept all my clothes on and my eyes wide open. I dealt with his fckn body smell the whole night (it was dawn already). I knew the smell wasn’t his fault, but at least he could make it less worse (not an effective phrase, I know) by not taking any shower, but he didn’t.

When the morning light stroke the day, we went to our home and texted Lita that I was having a bad night. She had already gone to the office and let the door unlocked so that I can enter the house.

He hadn’t prepared anything yet to move out. He asked me to help him find the overland bus to Bali. And all the possible way to have the bus was for the next day. He, once again begged us to let him stay. After discussing with Lita, I let him to stay one more night with one condition for him not to be a dick head. We could kick him out of the house, but we let him stay just because we pity him (because of the fckn door tragedy).

But an asshole was an asshole. I was enough to treat him like he was an honored guest. Whether I nor Lita, were not having a much talk with him.

He went to the office when I was about to go home. He asked me out for dinner, so I take him where we went in the first night. I drove him back to the office to meet Risa. I told Risa if she didn’t want to take him somewhere, just don’t. I didn’t know what happen next.

There were two version of the story about the night.

According to Risa, he wanted to have his last night with a drink. She said she refused that she was tired and would spend the rest of the night in her house and take him straight to our house. But then, she had her motorbike flat tire. She told him to walk home and she would get her motorbike done by herself in high pitch. He didn’t get the hidden message behind her words. He really walked. This was funny.

“Hey, are you really going back home? Would you let a lady walk with her motorbike in trouble by herself? Come help me!” she cried to him. They had their wonderful night walking to a repair and ending it up in the same pub.

But…. According to Cecil who was also in the office, when he asked to go out, Risa was all saying yes because “the night is still young”, rock the ass like Nicki Minaj. She did not refuse. Note it, she did not refused. To whose side are we? Uhuh! Maybe we should ask the man also.

The next day was a release to see him packing his back and start walking to the bus station. We were set free from a burden.

What Lita thinks about this guy : — Dick.

What Imeh thinks about this guy :

- Sir Flirts-a-lot

- Horny All the Time

• Quite Generous when it comes to money

• Fancy, dandy, you name it

• Always depends on someone else even when he convinced us that he isindependent

What Erisa thinks about this guy :

• Perfectionist

• He wants the world at his fingertips

• Stubborn

#Algeria #notfun #asshole #guest